The Poor house 救济所
本帖最后由 齐云 于 2019-1-7 08:34 编辑The Poor house
By Sara Tealsdale
HOPE went by and Peace went by
And would not enter in;
Youth went by and Health went by
And Love that is their kin.
Those within the house shed tears
On their bitter bread;
Some were old and some were mad,
And some were sick a-bed.
Gray Death saw the wretched house
And even he passed by—
“They have never lived,” he said,
“They can wait to die.”
救济所
文/莎拉•蒂斯黛尔译/齐云
希望走过，安宁走过
都不愿意进来坐坐
青春走过，健康走过
两者亲戚爱又如何
屋内的人泪珠滴落
手中面包又冷又涩
有人疯癫有人老弱
还有几人病床长卧
死神路过一身灰色
看见房屋这般破落
对不幸人幽幽地说：
“未曾活者，一心盼我”
看来多写的个人情感的莎拉•蒂斯黛尔，也有关心现实的一面。
感觉第九行、十一行不够顺畅。这样如何：“死神路过一身灰色”，“对着他们幽幽地说”。
自觉这首诗译作精彩之处就是最后一句，把原诗的两行压成一行，而且形成比原作更强烈的张力。
这样就得增加一个原作没有的诗行，才有了现在的“对不幸人幽幽地说”，比较喜欢这里直接说出“不幸人”。
路过死神，可能没有你感觉的死神路过通畅，改过。 妙。 一般来说，主语稍微靠近中心是语句流畅的一个诀窍，前面的诗行都是如此。“死神路过一身灰色”似乎改成““过路死神一身灰色”更好。
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