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译艾米利.狄更生I years had been from home

I years had been from home ——Emily Dickinson

I years had been from home, (三步抑扬,为形成抑扬节奏,years前置) And now, before the door (三步抑扬,韵) I dared not open, lest a face (四步抑扬) I never saw before(三步抑扬,韵)

Stare vacant into mine(三步抑扬) And ask my business there. (三步抑扬,韵) My business,——just a life I left, (四步抑扬) Was such still dwelling there? (三步抑扬,韵)

I fumbled at my nerve, (三步抑扬) I scanned the windows near; (三步抑扬,韵) The silence like an ocean rolled, (四步抑扬) And broke against my ear. (三步抑扬,韵)

I laughed a wooden laugh(三步抑扬) That I could fear a door, (三步抑扬,韵) Who danger and the dead had faced, (四步抑扬) But never quaked before. (三步抑扬,韵)

I fitted to the latch(三步抑扬) My hand, with trembling care, (三步抑扬,韵) Lest back the awful door should spring, (四步抑扬) And leave me standing there. (三步抑扬,韵)

I moved my fingers off (三步抑扬) As cautiously as glass, (三步抑扬,韵) And held my ears, and like a thief (四步抑扬) Fled gasping from the house. (三步抑扬,韵)

近家情更怯 ——艾米丽.狄更生

离开/家乡/已多年, 终于/又到/家门前, 不敢/敲门,生怕/看到 一张/陌生的/脸。

怕人/茫然/看着我, 问我/有什么/事情。 什么/事情——我的/往昔 这里/可还有/踪影?

我试着/鼓起/勇气, 闪躲着/打量/附近, 震荡、耳际的,是那/大海 一样/翻腾的/寂静。

屋门/我也/害怕, 是否/非常/可笑, 危险/和死亡/都曾经/面对, 也不/这样/心摇。

伸手/按住了/门锁, 带着/不安的/颤抖, 又唯恐/屋门/突然/打开, 剩我/孤零/在门口。

手指/轻轻/移开, 小心/如挪/玻璃, 捂住/双耳,小偷/一样 喘着气/逃离/故居。

[此贴子已经被作者于2005-2-2 10:31:31编辑过]

手握灵珠,心开天籁

如进一步追求译作的完美,尚需对诗行内平仄进行调整。

以为新诗平仄,可以总结成一句话:两步诗平仄间出,三步以上的,诗行内顿脚处不能出现三连平或三连仄,即可视为合律。是否成立,尚待进一步观察、验证。

[此贴子已经被作者于2005-2-2 10:41:04编辑过]

手握灵珠,心开天籁

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是不是主要改去吟诵句?
手握灵珠,心开天籁

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第一节eng和ing古体诗里虽然同韵,但在普通话里相差甚远,和诗酒也交换过这个问题,他以为现在仍然同韵,但我是一点也读不出韵的感觉。
手握灵珠,心开天籁

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江枫大概不懂新诗格律,而且有几处意思可疑。

手握灵珠,心开天籁

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